Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Dallas Cowboys
**This is a bit of a long read, but please, please, stick with it. You will get some good laughs**
1. YEEEEEEEEHAWWWW I AM ****ING CRAZY! I covered the Cowboys for NBC for three years, and I think it's clear to anyone following the team that Jerry Jones is growing more and more out of it by the second. And I mean this in relative terms. The Double J has always been a raging, megalomaniacal nutcase. But now, as he edges closer to his 70th birthday, it appears as if he's completely coming off the hinges. There's the rapping. There's the "glory hole days" comment. Cowboys fans have loathed Jones's meddling for over two decades, but the scary thing is that all of that now feels like a prelude to the REAL madness.
By now, we're all used to Jones looking for any open microphone and then using it immediately to undermine his own coaching staff. We're used to him hand-selecting players like Dez Bryant—a player so rotten he needs 24-hour babysitting to keep from curb-stomping his own mom—and then demanding that those players be showcased, often to the detriment of winning football games. We're used to him bringing in turd after turd after turd because he fancies the Cowboys as America's greatest ongoing reality show. Early in his ownership, Jones loved winning because it brought him attention. But now that the Cowboys suck and can't win, he's more than happy to get ANY attention, good or bad. Any time a Cowboys player shows up in the pages of US Weekly, the Double J orgasms out of his face. And as he grows older and closer and closer to death, he's become dangerously addicted to that attention. He's a meth head for publicity. It's enveloped him so much that winning games has become incidental.
Which is a good thing because this team is awful. The Cowboys consist of a rapidly aging core of players—Tony Romo, Miles Austin, DeMarcus Ware, Jay Ratliff, and Jason Witten—who were all brought in by Bill Parcells. For the past several years, Jones has desperately tried to assemble a decent roster around this core, and he has failed horribly. The line is awful. The secondary, despite adding rookie Morris Claiborne, is puke. And the linebackers can't cover anyone. The old core is getting closer and closer to eroding and all that will be left are the dog**** scraps that the Double J brought in. It's a roster that's coming apart as quickly as Jones's psyche, and as they sink deeper into a cycle of consistent losing, the antics will grow more and more reckless and insane. I'm telling you, we haven't seen anything yet. Jones will burn this franchise to the ground and salt the earth behind him on his way to the casket.
2. Tony Romo AND A HERP AND A DERP. Tony Romo's chokery is so reliable that you can now schedule it. Want proof? Seven straight Sunday Night Football losses. Each one more pathetic than the last. It has become a fall tradition for people to gather around the TV on a Sunday night four times a year to watch this team gag like a rookie pornstar. And the best part is that I get to watch it happen again TOMORROW! That's right! This team lost its last two SNF games to the Giants, and loogit who they get to play in the opener. In primetime. On SNF (albeit on a Wednesday night). These same Giants. They have no prayer of winning. None. If you have a deed to your house, go ahead and bet it on New York and enjoy having two houses next week. Five of this team's eight losses last season (Jets, Lions, Pats, Cardinals, Giants) were epic choke jobs; other franchises don't have five losses like that in their entire HISTORY. The Cowboys don't simply lose games. They vomit them up and then slip in that vomit and then fall face-down in that vomit and then choke to death on that vomit. Why would anything be any different this season? They still have Romo, and they still have ...
3. "Hmm. Yes. Indeed." "Few coaches would have the Princetonian gumption to ice their own kicker, but I, Jason Garrett, know that it's a strategy far ahead of its time. Pity my own players weren't able to execute such a masterfully counterintuitive act of daring. I am convinced now, more than ever, that if we simply repeat the strategy five or six more times, we shall be proven prescient. TALLY HO, NOBEL COMMITTEE. I expect fine eatings when I arrive in Stockholm the year after next!"
4. You are NOT long-suffering. I barely need to tell you how horrible Cowboys fans are. They're nothing but a bunch of front-running, carpetbagging dip****s, most of whom have NO ties to Dallas or Texas whatsoever. They spend more time perusing the Cowboys NFL Shop catalog than watching live gameplay. Virtually every Cowboys fan introduces himself as a "longtime Cowboys fan" in the hopes of sustaining the illusion that he was a fan long before 1992. Everyone knows it's bull****. These are awful, horrible fans, the kind that buy tickets to JerryWorld and spend half the game drinking with their fellow flight attendants in the Bud Lime-a-Rita Zone and barely paying attention to the game itself.
But do you know what the worst part is? Now that the Cowboys are undeniably ****ed for the next decade, these people are begging you for PITY. All through the '90s, you couldn't find a more arrogant, obnoxious group of fans. But now that the Cowboys have become the premier choke artists in all of sports, they have come looking for sympathy. "I'm a long-suffering Cowboys fan." **** YOU. YOU DO NOT KNOW SUFFERING. Don't you dare try to lump yourselves in with Lions and Browns and Vikings and Bills and Bengals fans. There is nothing pitiable about a Cowboys fan. This team is exactly what you pieces of **** deserve after casually attaching yourself to a dynasty all those years ago. You deserve a senile Double J. You deserve Wolfman Rob blitzing 10 men on every snap and giving up 20-yard gains on every play. You deserve Cousin Sal. You deserve Romo somehow fumbling and throwing a pick simultaneously with 57 seconds left on the clock. This is your time of reckoning. You earned every horrible second of it.